This Is Not A Joke

The following "news item" appeared in my yahoo news feed only an hour ago, featuring this lead in:

NEW YORK - Ludacris will make a cartoon cameo in the 400th episode of "The Simpsons" as a tube of toothpaste that raps, of all things.

GEE! Of all things, a rapping tube of toothpaste! He might have been anything! A wheelbarrow that raps, or a rapping porpoise or, if the writers were feeling particularly esoteric, the classic 1939 film "The Women," staring Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, and Rosalind Russel that....you guessed it....raps! (Tagline: The Female Of The Species . . . when the men aren't watching!) I can actually envision this so-called "writer" chuckling to themselves as they pounded furiously away at the keyboard, creating possibly the weakest opening sentence a story has ever had. This is even worse than the story about Law & Order: SVU that began "Fred Savage is a rapist! Or at least he is playing one this Wednesday night on NBC!"

I don't understand anything about this story.
Thomas Pynchon has been on this show.

Why is this even news? I can only guess it's a human interest story because corporate America has finally caught on to how the public can't get enough of talking personal care items.



I am assuming that the writer's of the Simpsons anticipated my disgust and confusion and produced an image to perfectly accompany my blog.

Those "yahoos" then choose to let my internet browser know that Matt Dillon was asking 'What are the most effective yet simple ways people can save energy?' Surely there is no one more qualified than the star of such hits as "You, Me, & Dupree" "Deuces Wild" and "One Night at McCool's" to reveal to me the mysteries of climate change. Was Leonardo DiCaprio busy? Zing!

MGM Hates Me For Some Reason

I have a feeling it might be because of the unfavorable review I gave their 2006 release "The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold." Just because I proclaimed that the original film "struck comedic gold!" doesn't mean you have to take that concept and run with it. I also described Moira Kelly's character as "as cold as the ice on which she skates," and the romance as "hot enough to melt the skin off your face," so why is that project not in development? Seesh, I am getting SO sick of Hollywood producers reading my blog and then producing subpar material based on my suggestions.

Wondering what the worst movie of all time will be? Here it is.

Yes, you are reading the cast correctly. Former actor turned older man Kevin Costner and man-child Any Milonakis as Dane Cook in a film about something that for some reason calls for the appearance of Kevin Costner and Dane Cook on my television. Details are a little hazy at the moment, but I believe it is either a prequel to the Counting Crows hit song "Mr. Jones," or a horror about a studio exec who discovers he must remake the classic "Kiss of the Spider Woman" staring Kevin Costner as William Hurt and Dane Cook as Raul Julia.

The face of comedy and now also serious dramatic roles.

Bump Watch

Dedicated readers of this blog might have recently noted that I tagged my entry about political firecracker Andy Borowitz as being under "bump watch." Dedicated and also eagle-eyed readers might also have noted that my most recent post was actually sarcastic, in that I do not find Andy Borowitz's satire in Newsweek funny at all! This might come as quite a shock. This is also quite serious.

He is officially on Bump Watch and until further notice that is where he shall stay.

Bump Watch is a term used in post modern society when it is suspected that a woman is, or soon shall be, pregnant. As feminist have now taken back the night, I will take back this phrase from its unfortunate association with the unpleasantness of childbirth and rearing, and reclaim it against those that cross a line between acceptable and unacceptable as I deem from a completely arbitrary and seemingly contradictory viewpoint.

Jonathan Swift, 2007

Man, oh man. Get ready to laugh!

Satirical.

Nothing is sacred to this guy!
First, see how he ZINGS contemporary white male culture. Try not to bust a gut when he correctly recognizes merely months after the candidates first showed interest in a presidential run that they are all older white males!!! Then, when you think that he couldn't possibly deliver a more delicious send-up of American culture, thrill when he finally gives it and good to what most satirists wouldn't even touch, the United States Postal Service! If this guy does airplane food, I don't even know what I'd do! Laugh, that's for sure!

Edit: I think I might have stumbled across evidence of this man's early stomping grounds, where he learned his craft. I have a screen capture of what I believe to be the very first moment he discovered his ability to make people laugh while expertly zeroing in on our most sensitive foibles for the betterment of society.






If you can handle it, there's more!