Internet Jusitce, Abbreviated

There is no more hilarious internet meme than of the timeless "malicious blogger vs. hapless scammer"variety. So imagine my delight when some clueless JERK made the mistake of responding to my sincere ad for a lost kitty.

From the moment it began, it was on:

	from	April Coleman
to		comm-mu5r7-1835080393@craigslist.org
date		Sun, Jul 11, 2010 at 7:01 PM
subject		Lost: Black & White Tuxedo Cat (Kingwood)
mailed-by		craigslist.org

when can you get me up and running?

After searching my vast intellect for hidden meanings in this most cryptic of messages, I still could not determine how this might relate to my poor, sweet, sincerely missing cat. And yet, I took the bait.

from ------ to April Coleman date Sun, Jul 11, 2010 at 7:05 PM subject Re: Lost: Black & White Tuxedo Cat (Kingwood)

Hello,

I'm not sure what you are talking about. Are you responding to my ad concerning the lost cat?


I waited for a full day for a response. After creating revenge scenarios for every sort of kidnapping scheme, I received this "email."

from April Coleman to marlikaufmann@gmail.com date Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 3:11 PM subject Re: Re: Lost: Black & White Tuxedo Cat (Kingwood)

I use to post ads also, now this is how I make the dough..

[link]

After receiving this virtual slap in the face, I was equal parts annoyed, enthralled, curious, and distraught. This "April" "Cole""man" did not have my cat, but had just given me the gift of a hilarious, months-long, cleverly plotted prank in which I would not only avenge the dashed hopes of a found cat, but the lost church savings, the misplaced retirement funds, and the broken hearts of internet boyfriends everywhere. I set the stage:

from ------ to April Coleman date Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 7:11 PM subject Re: Re: Lost: Black & White Tuxedo Cat (Kingwood) mailed-by gmail.com

Hello!

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly and beautifully. I have been sad over the past week on account of my cat being missing, but you have somehow found my ad and discovered the one thing that will make me happy again: dough making! It might be a gift from god, though I am not sure! Not only will I soon be making lots of $$ (dough!), perhaps my cat will return when he realizes I am no longer poor and can afford his excessive demands for food.

I must say I am impressed that you were able to see through my ad for my lost black and white cat and could still deduce that I needed money, despite being the owner of a fancy "tuxedo" cat. Last question: do you think my cat left me because I am poor? Please respond soon! I am anxious!!


It was excited over the months of increasingly long and abstract exchanges for less than a minute. Then I received the following:

from Mail Delivery Subsystem to marlikaufmann@gmail.com date Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 7:11 PM subject Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

aprilcoleman4162@yahoo.com

Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 554 554 delivery error: dd This user doesn't have a yahoo.com account (aprilcoleman4162@yahoo.com) [-5] - mta1098.mail.ac4.yahoo.com (state 18).

Amazon Nails Spinster Demographic

People shopping for sporting equipment for their cats presumably already carry a significant amount of shame. Is it enough, wonders Amazon.com, as they suggest the perfect pairing to that cat tent you’ve been browsing: international person and cat lady spokesmodel Susan Boyle's inspirational album.



Get ready to embrace a life in which your greatest accomplishment is that you made an entire auditorium of British people laugh at you based solely on your appearance, and then feel slightly bad about it when you sang well. Seriously. British people. Have you seen their teeth/Queen/cuisine/socialized medicine?! Zing!

Warning: It's pretty likely that responding to this ad will get you murdered

Just how many red flags can there be in one incredibly sofakeit'sunbelievable craigslist ad can there be? Let's count the ways:

#1: This only proves the guy has probably watched Brewster's Millions more than just once.

#2: No one loves DC.

#3: I know MY investors absolutely HATE the idea of CEO types entering into consensual heterosexual relationships.

#4: Prostitutes.

#5: No rich person in the history of rich people, dating from Jesus to Donald Trump, has ever used the word "real" when not immediately followed by "estate."

#6: This stock photo of a champagne cork being released is possibly the most believable thing about this ad. If only I had someone REAL to share it with.

Sweeny Todd....best movie ever? Or best collection of plot points ever?

Imdb (brilliantly combining everyone's love of both movies and databasing) has funneled my excitment about the upcoming Sweeny Todd by conveniently reminding me of the top 4 or 5 reasons anyone should go see it. Above, a screen capture to make you believe again in the power of the cinema.

John Locke on love, Italians, and the unique experience of living on a planet

You will probably have to click on the picture to see the larger image, but it's a small price to pay for the wealth of information you will receive about this catch who for some reason lives in a house on a golf course and listens to the Eagles. I have taken the liberty of drawing attention to the suspicious items in his post. Try not to get LOST in his eyes.*


*Zing!

Hipster vs. Hipster

Cagematch!
After recently discovering a phenomenon in the English language wherein one word can have two entirely different (sometimes only marginally different) meanings, I have decided to quiz the blogosphere so that we can finally have educated positions on the important dualities that exist in this modern world.



VS.




YOU DECIDE, DEMOCRACY 2008!

This Is Not A Joke

The following "news item" appeared in my yahoo news feed only an hour ago, featuring this lead in:

NEW YORK - Ludacris will make a cartoon cameo in the 400th episode of "The Simpsons" as a tube of toothpaste that raps, of all things.

GEE! Of all things, a rapping tube of toothpaste! He might have been anything! A wheelbarrow that raps, or a rapping porpoise or, if the writers were feeling particularly esoteric, the classic 1939 film "The Women," staring Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, and Rosalind Russel that....you guessed it....raps! (Tagline: The Female Of The Species . . . when the men aren't watching!) I can actually envision this so-called "writer" chuckling to themselves as they pounded furiously away at the keyboard, creating possibly the weakest opening sentence a story has ever had. This is even worse than the story about Law & Order: SVU that began "Fred Savage is a rapist! Or at least he is playing one this Wednesday night on NBC!"

I don't understand anything about this story.
Thomas Pynchon has been on this show.

Why is this even news? I can only guess it's a human interest story because corporate America has finally caught on to how the public can't get enough of talking personal care items.



I am assuming that the writer's of the Simpsons anticipated my disgust and confusion and produced an image to perfectly accompany my blog.

Those "yahoos" then choose to let my internet browser know that Matt Dillon was asking 'What are the most effective yet simple ways people can save energy?' Surely there is no one more qualified than the star of such hits as "You, Me, & Dupree" "Deuces Wild" and "One Night at McCool's" to reveal to me the mysteries of climate change. Was Leonardo DiCaprio busy? Zing!