Warning: It's pretty likely that responding to this ad will get you murdered

Just how many red flags can there be in one incredibly sofakeit'sunbelievable craigslist ad can there be? Let's count the ways:

#1: This only proves the guy has probably watched Brewster's Millions more than just once.

#2: No one loves DC.

#3: I know MY investors absolutely HATE the idea of CEO types entering into consensual heterosexual relationships.

#4: Prostitutes.

#5: No rich person in the history of rich people, dating from Jesus to Donald Trump, has ever used the word "real" when not immediately followed by "estate."

#6: This stock photo of a champagne cork being released is possibly the most believable thing about this ad. If only I had someone REAL to share it with.

Sweeny Todd....best movie ever? Or best collection of plot points ever?

Imdb (brilliantly combining everyone's love of both movies and databasing) has funneled my excitment about the upcoming Sweeny Todd by conveniently reminding me of the top 4 or 5 reasons anyone should go see it. Above, a screen capture to make you believe again in the power of the cinema.

John Locke on love, Italians, and the unique experience of living on a planet

You will probably have to click on the picture to see the larger image, but it's a small price to pay for the wealth of information you will receive about this catch who for some reason lives in a house on a golf course and listens to the Eagles. I have taken the liberty of drawing attention to the suspicious items in his post. Try not to get LOST in his eyes.*


*Zing!

Hipster vs. Hipster

Cagematch!
After recently discovering a phenomenon in the English language wherein one word can have two entirely different (sometimes only marginally different) meanings, I have decided to quiz the blogosphere so that we can finally have educated positions on the important dualities that exist in this modern world.



VS.




YOU DECIDE, DEMOCRACY 2008!

This Is Not A Joke

The following "news item" appeared in my yahoo news feed only an hour ago, featuring this lead in:

NEW YORK - Ludacris will make a cartoon cameo in the 400th episode of "The Simpsons" as a tube of toothpaste that raps, of all things.

GEE! Of all things, a rapping tube of toothpaste! He might have been anything! A wheelbarrow that raps, or a rapping porpoise or, if the writers were feeling particularly esoteric, the classic 1939 film "The Women," staring Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, and Rosalind Russel that....you guessed it....raps! (Tagline: The Female Of The Species . . . when the men aren't watching!) I can actually envision this so-called "writer" chuckling to themselves as they pounded furiously away at the keyboard, creating possibly the weakest opening sentence a story has ever had. This is even worse than the story about Law & Order: SVU that began "Fred Savage is a rapist! Or at least he is playing one this Wednesday night on NBC!"

I don't understand anything about this story.
Thomas Pynchon has been on this show.

Why is this even news? I can only guess it's a human interest story because corporate America has finally caught on to how the public can't get enough of talking personal care items.



I am assuming that the writer's of the Simpsons anticipated my disgust and confusion and produced an image to perfectly accompany my blog.

Those "yahoos" then choose to let my internet browser know that Matt Dillon was asking 'What are the most effective yet simple ways people can save energy?' Surely there is no one more qualified than the star of such hits as "You, Me, & Dupree" "Deuces Wild" and "One Night at McCool's" to reveal to me the mysteries of climate change. Was Leonardo DiCaprio busy? Zing!

MGM Hates Me For Some Reason

I have a feeling it might be because of the unfavorable review I gave their 2006 release "The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold." Just because I proclaimed that the original film "struck comedic gold!" doesn't mean you have to take that concept and run with it. I also described Moira Kelly's character as "as cold as the ice on which she skates," and the romance as "hot enough to melt the skin off your face," so why is that project not in development? Seesh, I am getting SO sick of Hollywood producers reading my blog and then producing subpar material based on my suggestions.

Wondering what the worst movie of all time will be? Here it is.

Yes, you are reading the cast correctly. Former actor turned older man Kevin Costner and man-child Any Milonakis as Dane Cook in a film about something that for some reason calls for the appearance of Kevin Costner and Dane Cook on my television. Details are a little hazy at the moment, but I believe it is either a prequel to the Counting Crows hit song "Mr. Jones," or a horror about a studio exec who discovers he must remake the classic "Kiss of the Spider Woman" staring Kevin Costner as William Hurt and Dane Cook as Raul Julia.

The face of comedy and now also serious dramatic roles.

Bump Watch

Dedicated readers of this blog might have recently noted that I tagged my entry about political firecracker Andy Borowitz as being under "bump watch." Dedicated and also eagle-eyed readers might also have noted that my most recent post was actually sarcastic, in that I do not find Andy Borowitz's satire in Newsweek funny at all! This might come as quite a shock. This is also quite serious.

He is officially on Bump Watch and until further notice that is where he shall stay.

Bump Watch is a term used in post modern society when it is suspected that a woman is, or soon shall be, pregnant. As feminist have now taken back the night, I will take back this phrase from its unfortunate association with the unpleasantness of childbirth and rearing, and reclaim it against those that cross a line between acceptable and unacceptable as I deem from a completely arbitrary and seemingly contradictory viewpoint.

Jonathan Swift, 2007

Man, oh man. Get ready to laugh!

Satirical.

Nothing is sacred to this guy!
First, see how he ZINGS contemporary white male culture. Try not to bust a gut when he correctly recognizes merely months after the candidates first showed interest in a presidential run that they are all older white males!!! Then, when you think that he couldn't possibly deliver a more delicious send-up of American culture, thrill when he finally gives it and good to what most satirists wouldn't even touch, the United States Postal Service! If this guy does airplane food, I don't even know what I'd do! Laugh, that's for sure!

Edit: I think I might have stumbled across evidence of this man's early stomping grounds, where he learned his craft. I have a screen capture of what I believe to be the very first moment he discovered his ability to make people laugh while expertly zeroing in on our most sensitive foibles for the betterment of society.






If you can handle it, there's more!

Actual Interaction No Longer Neccessary for Healthy, Mututally Satisfying Relationship with Human Female

Now you can experience the pleasure of having a girlfriend in a realistic simulation that has absolutely no creepy overtones whatsoever.

Evidence.

Spoiler: she is inexplicably turned on by fake hockey games with her girlfriends.

Second spoiler: most of these simulated activites work extremely well with "real" women.

Unfortunately, Penthouse has not yet created a function that controls against the jealousy that you will inevitably experience when you discover that Elektra, as you call her, is cheating on you with Rich, the IT guy 3 cubicles over.

Editor's Note: Now, I've never actually seen a woman, but I have it on very good authority that they all are some basic form of this:

Warning: NSFW

"Ummmmmmmmm boy oh boy, I could eaat a whole pot of these when my Mom cooks them. Not sure what else to say about them other than they are sooooooo good"

Now With Controversial "Red Bell Pepper" Review

Women Now Have More Time for SHOPPING!!!!!!!

The Supreme Court handed down a real time saver for all us ladies who can never find enough hours in the day to go on and on about worrying over our rights and our bodies.

Thanks, gentlemen.

Now if Congress could only figure out a way to tell me who I should marry and what type of profession my gender is best suited for, I might be able to finally organize my closet AND figure out what to cook for dinner!

I wonder what I'll "choose" to do with all my free time??

I might finish my scrapbooking, or take a bellydancing class....

or...

I have it!!!!



Edit: Upon review, the above scene looks like an abortion waiting to happen. Never mind! I guess I'll take up knitting instead.

Wednesday Night Now Officially Gayest Night in Primetime

If you thought Wednesday nights were gay before (you did), prepare to set your gaydar to stun(ing) with the addition of one hot mess of a new t.v. show: Shear Genius. Wednesday already had it's fair share of the gay quota filled with America's Next Top Model, the show that brought us intimate knowledge of things like fierceness, the difference between a Mr. and a Mrs. Jay, and barely restrained sexual tension between Tyra and a pile of ribs that was always positioned just off screen.

Bravo has now taken things to the next level with a show that threatens to set your "gay max on freaking overdrive," says Robert Ebert.

Exhibit A:

The "Tim Gunn" of this series.

Who, mathematically, is basically:

+

/

Exhibit B:

Sparkles could be emanating from his fingers and this picture wouldn't be any gayer.

Exhibit C:

The funny feeling I get when I see this.

Seperated at birth?

Or only by my desire?

Watch this show or forget what it's like to be human.

Straights, Gays Now Have Equal Right to Creep the Hell out of Wedding Guests

In a giant step towards equality for all, Disney announced that it would allow gay and lesbian couples the right to purchase one of their "Fairy Tale Wedding" packages and hold commitment ceremonies inside their Disneyworld and Disneyland complexes. http://money.cnn.com/2007/04/05/news/companies/disney_gayweddings.reut/?postversion=2007040519

If you are too lazy to follow the link here is the juiciest bit:

The Lavish Wedding Option also includes a ride to the ceremony in the Cinderella coach, costumed trumpeters heralding the couple's arrival, and attendance by Mickey and Minnie Mouse characters dressed in formal attire.

We are just one step closer to that blessed day when Precious Moments commitment ceremonies are open to everyone with unresolved issues from childhood.


Crossbreeding?

Die Young or Die Trying

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